I’m a little different from what is considered “normal”. My body and my brain work differently than most “typical” people. Sometimes that’s great. Sometimes that really sucks. Mostly, the idea of trying to be “normal” Isn’t something I tend to worry too much about.
Despite the fact that I, for the most part, understand and accept my differences, I do occasionally – and sometimes more than occasionally – run into people who just the past the different parts of me. Given that “this thing we do” tends to be a little off of the mainstream, I’d be willing to bet many of the people in the spanking/DD/BDSM community have similar experiences. We’re not exactly vanilla, and most, If not all of us, have had the experience of being judged for this part of ourselves. Let’s face it. Many of us, myself included, live deeply in the closet for fear of being judged for the interest of ours.
That being the case, you would think that this community would be a pretty open and accepting place to be. The majority of the time, in my experience, it is. A lot of us, maybe even most of us, truly believe in the mantra that “your kink is not my kink and that’s okay”. We know what it’s like to be different, and can accept people even if they aren’t the same kind of different as me.
There is, however, a rather disturbing train of thought that seems to be infiltrating the community. Maybe it’s been around all along. I suspect it has, but just based on my own personal observations it seems to be a lot more prevalent these days than it was when I first started making my first tentative forays into our community almost 20 years ago. For those who believe in this train of thought, the idea of “your kink is not my kink and that’s okay” Is absurd. There is one true way, and if the choose to practice your particular kink don’t fit the parameters of the one true way, you’re wrong.
Being more toward the submissive side of the line, I can only speak to the things I had said to me. I don’t know if the same kind of criticism happens on the Top/Dom side, but I bet it does. I’ve been told I’m not a true sub. I’ve been told I needed to be “trained”. I’ve been told if a Top/Dom plays with me, I owe them sex, and if I refuse I’m “leading them on.” ( For the record, I’m always very clear about my own limits right from the start, that’s what brought on most of these comments.)
Frankly, this trend toward the one true way that I’m seeing scares me. Not for myself, I don’t buy that way of thinking and I never have. It scares me for the naïve kid was in the place where I was at 19. They need to know there is far more than one way to do “this thing we do.” They need to be encouraged to find their own fit and to know that who they are is ok.
To my mind, understanding and acceptance should be the cornerstones of this community. After all, we all know what it’s like to walk outside the mainstream. If anyone should understand, we should.
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This was an absolutely fascinating post.
I am just starting out on this journey and, luckily, I haven’t come across any examples of the lack of acceptance that you’ve experienced.
The people that I have met and played with have been wonderfully non-judgmental and open-minded. For which I am very happy. Kinky people are the very best kinds of people.
I totally agree that any deviation away from acceptance should be tackled. I would be FURIOUS if someone told me I was doing subbing wrong or that I was obliged to have sex to someone that I played with.
Accepting people for who they are and how want to live their lives is critically important. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks, Etta. 🙂 I’m glad you haven’t come across any of the one true way proponents. You’re right that for the most part, the kinky people I’ve met have been awesome. There are bad apples in every bunch and we are no exception. When I wrote this, I had people just starting out in mind.They need to know that the idea that you have to do it one certain way is crap.
Unfortunately, Ruth, it’s far too prevalent. I noticed the biggest change happen once the 50 Shades’ers came into the lifestyle. But actually, it was far before that. The Old Guard is very picky about what is right and what isn’t. Then you have the GLBT side of things – don’t get me started on the GLBT vs het kinksters.
But with each new generation, the idea of ‘my way is okay and yours isn’t’ gets worse. I saw it majorly on Fetlife and ended up leaving. I started on that site when there were about 250k members and at first, it was pretty cool, because everyone I ran into was old-school enough that YKNMK was at least formally accepted as the rule. Once the site grew to over a million, it changed to “My way or the highway.”
BDSM covers such a wide range of activities – basically anything the human mind can come up with – and to expect that ‘someone’s’ way is the only way is absurd. Unfortunately, the majority of humanity is absurd.
When I started out, in the early 0s, the group I was with in Tucson was mostly open and accepting. It was a marvel, and yet…there were still people in there who figured if it was their kink, everyone should do it. I had a top who kept bugging me about rape play, no matter how many times I said “no”.
Now? I live in the Pacific NW and not only do I not find any Doms – though tons of sadistic tops! – I have found groups who looked down on other groups.
“Oh, god, the spankos, they don’t even know how to do it right.”
“If you aren’t willing to play with another woman, then you aren’t actually submissive.” (I have had this one more than once.)
I find the safest thing is to pull back from the idiocy. It’s my way of dealing with it. I stopped going to any groups around here and no parties at all. I don’t have much to do with any BDSM’ers online either because of it.
I just practice it safely at home. Because when it comes down to it – it’s nobody else’s business what I do. Trying to tell them that is like taking a baseball bat to my own head. It never works.
Just celebrate who you know you are. And ignore the idiots.
Hi Ruth, I hate that this is happening. But as you said, it seems there are bad apples no matter what group or gathering you go to. But in the BDSM arena you would hope that there would be more tolerance.
It seems to be a trend I see. Everyone screams that “no one is tolerant!” And then bemoan all the areas that someone isn’t tolerant, only to turn around and state all the fifty reasons why someone is wrong for their beliefs, feelings, or actions. If they want tolerance, they have to be tolerant.
I’m hoping that you, as a tolerant woman, find a tolerant person to enjoy!!!
I’m with what is consenual is okay with me. Who am I to judge what is and isn’t right – I like coffee you might favor tea. What the hell difference does it make – accept everyone and everything for what they are – leave me alone and i’ll do the same for you but we can still be friends. The world would be so much better if everyone felt and acted that way.
Good post. Don’t be discouraged, there’s still many of us who agree with you.