I’ve talked to quite a few people within the spanking community and discovered that many of us have a similar experience of the first time we realized there were other people who were ‘like us’, that we weren’t alone in our attraction to or interest in spanking. I recently had an epiphany like that about another part of my sexual identity. I think it’s a little-known aspect of sexuality so I’ve decided to talk about it here in an effort to raise awareness. I’ll be honest, I’m rather nervous about this post. I talked about this online with a few people that I consider to be safe, but this is only the second time I’ve ever talked about it in a more public forum. The first time was an utter disaster and I ended up being verbally attacked by commenters and being accused of “trying to co-opt an LGBT identity as a straight person”. The last thing in the world I ever want to do is be disrespectful of another person’s beliefs or identity particularly in a community that is as misunderstood and marginalized as the LGBT community can be and has been.  That’s not my intention at all. I’m trying to explain what I’ve learned from my explorations into my own identity in an effort to foster understanding. That’s all. I’m not trying to be a cause or co-opt anybody else’s.

I recently come to the conclusion that I am demisexual. I haven’t become demisexual. I’ve always been this way. I just finally got the vocabulary to know what it is and to talk about it. So, what does that mean?


demi defined


A response demisexual people often get when trying to explain How they experienced attraction is, “Well, that’s just normal. A lot of people only want to have sex with someone they know well.”  Except I’m not talking about having sex. I’m talking about experiencing any kind of sexual attraction at all. Ever see a guy or girl on the street that you automatically find attractive? A perfect stranger on the bus that you think “Wow, he or she is cute.”  I don’t.  Yes, I can aesthetically appreciate that someone may be perceived as physically attractive based on what they look like, but actually feeling attraction myself, nope, not at all. It’s no different from the way a woman might be able to appreciate that another woman is beautiful but not attracted to them. The difference is I’m that way with everyone. I don’t feel attraction with anyone unless I first develop an emotional bond with them.  At all. Ever.

Think about that for a second. The pictures that get passed around on cell phones and Facebook of “hot guys”, I might as well be looking at a picture in an art museum. I have no reaction to them, at all. Now, do I sometimes make comments and joke around about them? Sure I do. When you’re different, You learn to fake it to fit into normal society. That doesn’t mean I actually feel it. It also makes dating very difficult. The way dating “normally” goes is that you I’m somebody you find attractive and go out with them to get to know them and develop a relationship with them as you go along. For me, it needs to happen backwards. I need to get to know someone and develop a bond with them before I’m ever able to find them attractive. I very rarely if ever have “chemistry” with someone immediately. It just doesn’t work like that. I need the emotional connection in order for that “chemistry” to ever happen.

Perhaps the biggest thing that resonated with me about the my sexuality is this:

Many demisexuals grow up feeling different from those around them. Most people have their first instance of sexual attraction in their preteen years. From that point on, sex becomes a topic of curiosity and interest for them, and they eventually look forward to pursuing it. For children and teens in school, there is a lot of talk about sex—what it’s like, what it’ll be like, etc. This becomes more prevalent as they approach college and early adulthood.

Demisexuals often feel alienated by these conversations because they aren’t interested in sex, they don’t find people sexually attractive, or both. When the conversation turns to hot celebrities, for example, demisexuals may feel confused, and wonder what it is their friends see and feel. They wonder if they will eventually feel it too, and some even end up feeling “broken” (Demisexuality.org)

That was me all through my teen years and most of my 20s actually. I didn’t really become interested in even the prospect of dating until I was in my late 20s/early 30s. I just didn’t get it at all. When my friends would talk about so and so being cute or so-and-so had a hot body or cute butt, I had no idea what they meant. I was so confused and wondered what it was that I was somehow missing. Recently, as I found out about demisexuality, I realized that’s common for most of us who identify this way. Many of us don’t begin to be interested in relationships until our 20s and 30s and spend our teen years, when everyone else is discovering their sexuality, in a haze of confusion. Add to that my attraction to and interest in spanking, and it gets even more complicated. I do feel some sexual attraction to typical spanko stuff: trigger phrases, that Look, that sort of thing, but even being spanked doesn’t do much for me without that emotional bond.  It’s primary to everything for me when it comes to relationships, especially personal ones. I never understood why until I realized I was demisexual.  Now, I finally do.

demi flag

For more detailed information, check out demisexuality.org.For the record, I also don’t mind answering respectful questions, but I can only speak to my own experience. Also, don’t forget to visit all the other great blogs. 🙂