When I heard that the next Spanking Romance Roundtable was going to be on feminism and spanking, I knew I had to participate. For many years during my late adolescence and college years when I was first beginning to realize my interest in spanking and DD, I struggled with ideas of feminism and just how I could reconcile my feminist beliefs in equality with my own desire to have someone else be in charge, up to and including having the right to spank me if necessary. I recognized the conflict of the two beliefs. I believed completely that women were just as capable as men and were entitled to equal rights and equal respect. At the same time, I longed for relationship that embodied a lot of the patriarchal, males in charge, ideas that feminism railed against.
To make matters worse, I’m not only a woman. I’m a woman with a significant physical disability. To say I had cut my teeth on the idea of being independent would probably be an understatement. I’ve been actively fighting to what most people do without thought for most of my life, and without question the hardest part of that fight has been dealing with people’s attitudes. Legal equality is important, but it pales in comparison to that day to day ongoing battle for people to see me as an equal and as an adult independent woman. How could I even consider abdicating that hard-fought equality to a man? Wasn’t even considering doing so a betrayal of all that I had fought for all my life? How could I possibly be both independent and submissive?
At the same time, it very quickly became clear that trying to suppress my desire, in fact, I would even say my need, to be spanked was a losing battle. I tried for months on end. I told myself not to think about it, to stay away from the Internet sites, to put it out of my mind. Yeah right, that worked about as well as trying not to think about a pink rhinoceros. The harder you try not to think about it, the more you do, and the more desperate those thoughts become. Clearly, trying to bury it and forget about it wasn’t working, and if I couldn’t ignore it, then I had to find some way to reconcile this need with my other beliefs.
Bizarrely enough, I found my answer in a Women’s Studies class. The class was debating the idea that a sort of reverse bias was developing against stay-at-home moms. Were these women, by choosing to pursue a traditional role, somehow inferior to the working woman who embodies the feminist ideal? Somewhere in the midst of that discussion, someone made the point that feminism was really about choice. If women were to truly have equal freedoms and rights, then they also had to have the freedom to make the choice that suited them and their families without fear of recrimination. To do so was no different than the bias that had originally existed against women working. There it was. That was my answer. I wish I could say it hit me like a sudden epiphany and I no longer struggled, but the truth is it took me a while to connect the dots between that and my own struggle. Feminism guaranteed me the choice. If I then chose to consent to a DD relationship, that was my right and my choice, and that choice was just as valid as any other choice.
Sadly, society hasn’t yet caught up to my revelation, there continues to be a strong bias against DD, particularly in its male/female incarnation with a male head of household. BDSM is slowly emerging from the shadows. Little by little, the paradigm seems to be shifting to make spanking in a sexual context okay. Spanking for discipline, however, is another matter entirely. If you really want to make people’s heads spin, throw in disability on top of that. The vast majority of the population assumes that people with disabilities are innocent and asexual. Convincing them that people with disabilities want relationships just like anybody else is hard enough, throwing in wanting a relationship outside the norm, is beyond comprehension. I have faith though. It took me years before I sorted out just how it could work. Eventually, other people are bound to catch on too.
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Hi Ruth,
It’s my first time on your site. As I was reading your post, I kept think things like ‘it’s a matter of choice’ and then you’d say those words. Then that women choose to stay home in a traditional role – same thing – you voiced my thoughts.
Feminism is about choice. The right to choose what we want. And on the DD side, if we’ve chosen it, someone coming to take it away or call it abuse, well, they’re the ones who are then taking away our right to choose.
Thanks, Natasha. This is a very personal topic for me, and this post represents many years of wrestling with my beliefs before I came to that realization.
Hi Ruth, thanks for this post! Feminism is definitely about choice–and we’re totally allowed to choose to be spanked. I’m glad you’ve come to a conclusion that’s made you feel happy.
What a great post! I’m so glad you spoke up about disability because it’s something so many, including me, have not mentioned in this discussion. Thank you. We are fortunate to have your wisdom and experience. I’m so glad you’ve found a way to push through (wrong) assumptions.
Thank you for sharing so much about yourself with us. What a great point about people thinking that those with disabilities are sort of asexual…like all they are is the disability. A good reminder for all of us.
Interesting how you found your answer in a Women’s Studies class. That is where I came across the worst bias against just plain being heterosexual, let alone the fact I believed women had the right to choose who they were and who they wanted to be.
I’m glad someone in your class spoke out that it all came down to choice. And that you got your epiphany! Sometimes that is all it takes 🙂
Welcome, Ruth! Great post. I’d like to give you a term that I saw on Facebook- Intersectionalist. A friend who values parts of feminism but has issues even with sex positive feminism because of the way it tends to “throw under the bus” women of color, women in the GLBTQI community, disabled women decided that she likes the word “intersectionalist” better for its inclusivity. Interesting how you talk about the comment about choice not being an epiphany for you- hope I understood your comment right- to me, it’s always seemed to be about others not respecting my choice.
This is also my first time on your blog. I’m glad that I discovered it through this discussion. You brought up interesting points. Your point about disability is spot on. The fight for equal rights is well beyond feminism. Sometimes fighting for your choice is all the harder for health concerns & disabilities both in the nature of the beast..meaning fighting against your own disability to accomplish what you wish to accomplish and the judgement of society. There are many of us on here who either deal with a physical or mental disability or an invisible illness where society assumes we are just fine because we look like we are. I am in the later group. All of us have struggles. Some more than others. I think if we as a culture will choose to be supportive of our neighbors & friends we can all accomplish so much more and live in peace and happiness.
I totally agree Corrine. I have both visible and invisible disabilities so I get it, trust me.
Love this post and all the comments. I really can’t add anything except perhaps to say, yay, freedom and choice, and I am SO glad you have found what works for you and are at peace with it. 🙂 First time here as well, and so glad to “meet” you, Ruth.
You deserve the right to structure your life in any way that does not harm other people. You deserve to make choices in order to better your life, so long as you’re not harming other people. You deserve not to be harmed in the pursuit of those choices. Dealing with a disability is tough. I know from first-hand experience. But with the right attitude, you can get what you want from your life and your relationships. You might have to try harder (which is a shame), but if you want to be spanked, if you want a DD relationship, if you want to get into the ladies room without assistance, those are all your rights. You’ve got the right attitude. You are more empowered than you know.
Wonderful post. I can see how your conflict would be magnified due to your disability, it makes total sense. Thank you for sharing today– so glad you joined in on the conversation!
Great post Ruth! Thanks for joining in this week.
I think it can be a bit of a struggle for any woman to figure out how the need for spanking and DD fits into her life. To add on top of that a disability, where you have been striving for independence and to be heard your whole life, that is a lot to handle.
Thank you for sharing. I think you expressed your thoughts beautifully and I am happy you could find a way to reconcile with yourself. Choosing what you want should never make you feel wrong.
A thought-provoking and affecting post, Ruth. Thank you for sharing so openly.
Society will catch up one day soon, and it will be the richer for it. It’s just a shame – understatement – that people outside the narrow (and artificial) parameters of ‘normal’ that currently exist have a harder time of it. I think being true to oneself in the face of such a situation is the most admirable thing that a person can do.