Srr RoundtableThe Elusive Search for a Domestic Discipline Relationship

I discovered the world of adult spanking at about nineteen. For the first time, I was away from home and had the privacy to explore on the Internet. I spent the next decade lurking on the Internet, experimenting vicariously with all of the different facets of my particular interest. It very quickly became apparent to me that the particular shade of spanking that interested me most was domestic discipline, though lately there have also been bits of age play mixed in.

It took me until just a few years ago, over a decade after I first began to recognize my interest, to get up the nerve to actually begin to meeting people and trying to find a partner who shared my interest. It didn’t take me long to figure out that this was a much more difficult prospect that I have ever expected. It stunned me to discover just how few people even within the world of spanking/BDSM understood what I thought of as domestic discipline.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met some very nice guys, even been spanked by a few, but none of them understood the idea of discipline, either for real or imagined misbehavior. The first, acknowledged that he had never had such a relationship, but swore to me that he could learn. Despite what he said, it did not take long to figure out that his real interest lay in sex and sexual spanking.

Okay, now before I go further, let me make it clear, I realize that the two are not mutually exclusive. I’m not one of those people who believes that DD and BDSM have nothing to do with one another. I’m not one of those people who believes that discipline and sex must always be separate and never the twain shall meet. It’s all a continuum. There is nothing wrong with wanting either of those things or some combination of both. Frankly, I may feel the same at a different point in my life with another person, but at that point in my life, I only wanted to experiment with spanking in the context of discipline, and I was very clear about that. The guy however didn’t get it. We both tried. We really did. I don’t regret the experience, but it very quickly became clear to me that we had two very different sets of interest and needs, and they were not converging. If anything, they were moving further and further apart.

I’m not unclear about what is the I’m looking for. Unfortunately, there have been times in my life when my clarity about my needs has been taken the wrong way. I’m not inflexible. I know that relationships require compromise. However, I know that domestic discipline and BDSM and a little foreplay spanking are not all the same thing. I’ve learned that I need the elements of discipline. Whether it’s imaginary or real misbehavior, I need spanking to be framed around that. That’s the core of where much of my writing comes from. Many of my characters have the same need. Fortunately, in fiction, unlike many of the people I have encountered in real life, I can have characters to understand that having specific needs and knowing what you need doesn’t make you not submissive enough. It just makes you smart and self-aware.
One day, I have faith that there will be a partner in my real life who will understand how to integrate the flavor of discipline and DD into whatever form our relationship takes. Domestic discipline certainly isn’t the only way to do this thing we do, but it’s a necessary part of it for me. I need the rules and structure to be calm and function in the best way that I can. Eventually someone will understand that. Until then, I’ll get my fix in the imaginary world of stories.

Thanks to Corinne Alexander for hosting this month’s SRR discussion.Β  Be sure to check out the other participating blogs as well.