The Elusive Search for a Domestic Discipline Relationship
I discovered the world of adult spanking at about nineteen. For the first time, I was away from home and had the privacy to explore on the Internet. I spent the next decade lurking on the Internet, experimenting vicariously with all of the different facets of my particular interest. It very quickly became apparent to me that the particular shade of spanking that interested me most was domestic discipline, though lately there have also been bits of age play mixed in.
It took me until just a few years ago, over a decade after I first began to recognize my interest, to get up the nerve to actually begin to meeting people and trying to find a partner who shared my interest. It didn’t take me long to figure out that this was a much more difficult prospect that I have ever expected. It stunned me to discover just how few people even within the world of spanking/BDSM understood what I thought of as domestic discipline.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met some very nice guys, even been spanked by a few, but none of them understood the idea of discipline, either for real or imagined misbehavior. The first, acknowledged that he had never had such a relationship, but swore to me that he could learn. Despite what he said, it did not take long to figure out that his real interest lay in sex and sexual spanking.
Okay, now before I go further, let me make it clear, I realize that the two are not mutually exclusive. I’m not one of those people who believes that DD and BDSM have nothing to do with one another. I’m not one of those people who believes that discipline and sex must always be separate and never the twain shall meet. It’s all a continuum. There is nothing wrong with wanting either of those things or some combination of both. Frankly, I may feel the same at a different point in my life with another person, but at that point in my life, I only wanted to experiment with spanking in the context of discipline, and I was very clear about that. The guy however didn’t get it. We both tried. We really did. I don’t regret the experience, but it very quickly became clear to me that we had two very different sets of interest and needs, and they were not converging. If anything, they were moving further and further apart.
I’m not unclear about what is the I’m looking for. Unfortunately, there have been times in my life when my clarity about my needs has been taken the wrong way. I’m not inflexible. I know that relationships require compromise. However, I know that domestic discipline and BDSM and a little foreplay spanking are not all the same thing. I’ve learned that I need the elements of discipline. Whether it’s imaginary or real misbehavior, I need spanking to be framed around that. That’s the core of where much of my writing comes from. Many of my characters have the same need. Fortunately, in fiction, unlike many of the people I have encountered in real life, I can have characters to understand that having specific needs and knowing what you need doesn’t make you not submissive enough. It just makes you smart and self-aware.
One day, I have faith that there will be a partner in my real life who will understand how to integrate the flavor of discipline and DD into whatever form our relationship takes. Domestic discipline certainly isn’t the only way to do this thing we do, but it’s a necessary part of it for me. I need the rules and structure to be calm and function in the best way that I can. Eventually someone will understand that. Until then, I’ll get my fix in the imaginary world of stories.
Thanks to Corinne Alexander for hosting this month’s SRR discussion. Be sure to check out the other participating blogs as well.
The Boys Are Back: All They Ever Needed Blog Tour
Meet Jaeger: A Jaded U.S. Marshal Surprised by Love
Dragon-speak #MFRWauthor
WipItUP Wednesday: What Would You Do?
Sunday Spotlight: Playing It Safe
You’re Not Joking Are You?
Looking for a New Weekend Read? I’ve Got You Covered.
Not too long ago I found myself in exactly your position, so I relate to almost everything you said in this post. I would offer the word of encouragement that there are good guys out there. Real guys who do want what you want. It took me a lot of searching, and lots and lots of kissing frogs and rewording personal ads, but I found one, and he found me…and we lived so close to each other we can hardly believe we hadn’t met before. I wish you the very best of luck in your search and also the enjoyment of this time of exploring on your own.
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate your comment and its encouragement. I was beginning to think I’d put a little too much out there this time and scared everyone off. 😉
Nineteen seems like a golden age. I think that’s about when I got my first taste of what I’d only had a vague understanding about before. You iterate your search so well, Ruth. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I’m basically just echoing Johnna, but she’s right–they’re out there, we’ve seen ’em. They’re certainly not easy hunting, though, but when you find it, it makes all the difference.
I did know a few people that take mentoring for discipline sessions–where a mentor spanks them for misdoings or not reaching goals, but there’s no romantic connection (it’s used a lot also by people who are sort of moving all the time or can’t have a romantic relationship right then or are still searching, but still feel they need the discipline in the now). I think of it like DD test-driving to get your feet wet on *real* discipline with people that really get *discipline*, because I know what you mean; people will spank all the time without really understanding DD at all.
Otherwise, it’s all about the hunt. You’ll run into the perfect guy when you’re least expecting it–people think I’m full of it, but I keep seeing people get together with their better halves juust before they lose all hope in ever finding someone (after searching for over a year or more)–not that you’re there yet, I don’t know those details, but totally keep trucking on with that search! Good luck, chica! 🙂
Yes, I think we spankos are just a bubble off from the BDSM crew. Similar, but with a slightly different flavor. I think it’s rare for two spankos to find each other and make a relationship, seems more often you hear of one partner getting a vanilla on board. 🙂
I hope you do find (or convert) your perfect HOH. Keep at it– I know he’s out there for you!!!
loved the post 🙂 good luck in your search
Very well put, Ruth!
And brava to you to know who you are and what you need and hold out for it. There have been times in my life where I was tired of waiting to find the guy who would fit well with me and cast my net wider. It never took long before I realized that was stupid because I could never be happy with those different needs met.
Here’s to you finding just the right individual to fill your needs and desires. 🙂
Ruth, I think dating in general can be exhausting and defeating sometimes. Add into that the fact that you are looking for a specific kind of relationship, and yes, I’m sure it seems impossible.
Don’t give up hope! I think you are light years ahead in that you know what you want and what you don’t want. I think you will find someone worth your time who doesn’t put you down for being self aware. Who may in fact love that you have yourself figured out.
I loved this post, well said!
I was 18 when I discovered the internet world of spanking, so I can relate there! I can easily put myself in your shoes if I hadn’t been swept away by my husband and had children so young. We had a few playful spankings throughout the years, but my husband is vanilla but willing to learn. He gets the sexy spankings. He now gets the disciplinary side too. It took awhile of learning though. I do not regret that time period at all though. He was worth it. I think your match will come along. I hope you never compromise or settle for less than what will truly make you happy!