I’m a little different from what is considered “normal”. My body and my brain work differently than most “typical” people. Sometimes that’s great. Sometimes that really sucks. Mostly, the idea of trying to be “normal” Isn’t something I tend to worry too much about.norrmal


Despite the fact that I, for the most part, understand and accept my differences, I do occasionally – and sometimes more than occasionally – run into people who just the past the different parts of me.  Given that “this thing we do” tends to be a little off of the mainstream, I’d be willing to bet many of the people in the spanking/DD/BDSM community have similar experiences. We’re not exactly vanilla, and most, If not all of us, have had the experience of being judged for this part of ourselves. Let’s face it. Many of us, myself included, live deeply in the closet for fear of being judged for the interest of ours.

That being the case, you would think that this community would be a pretty open and accepting place to be. The majority of the time, in my experience, it is. A lot of us, maybe even most of us, truly believe in the mantra that “your kink is not my kink and that’s okay”. We know what it’s like to be different, and can accept people even if they aren’t the same kind of different as me.

There is, however, a rather disturbing train of thought that seems to be infiltrating the community. Maybe it’s been around all along. I suspect it has, but just based on my own personal observations it seems to be a lot more prevalent these days than it was when I first started making my first tentative forays into our community almost 20 years ago. For those who believe in this train of thought, the idea of “your kink is not my kink and that’s okay” Is absurd. There is one true way, and if the choose to practice your particular kink don’t fit the parameters of the one true way, you’re wrong.

Being more toward the submissive side of the line, I can only speak to the things I had said to me. I don’t know if the same kind of criticism happens on the Top/Dom side, but I bet it does.  I’ve been told I’m not a true sub.  I’ve been told I needed to be “trained”. I’ve been told if a Top/Dom plays with me, I owe them sex, and if I refuse I’m “leading them on.”  ( For the record, I’m always very clear about my own limits right from the start, that’s what brought on most of these comments.)

Frankly, this trend toward the one true way that I’m seeing scares me. Not for myself, I don’t buy that way of thinking and I never have. It scares me for the naïve kid was in the place where I was at 19. They need to know there is far more than one way to do “this thing we do.”  They need to be encouraged to find their own fit and to know that who they are is ok.



To my mind, understanding and acceptance should be the cornerstones of this community. After all, we all know what it’s like to walk outside the mainstream.  If anyone should understand, we should.