Last week, I read author Kristin Lamb’s book, The Rise of the Machines: Human Authors and the Digital World. It’s an interesting book with an eye-opening take on traditional versus self-publishing and social media marketing in particular. Lamb stresses authors being their authentic selves and letting readers get to know you as people. Some of the ways she suggests doing this are:
- Not using multiple names/pennames
- Not separating your personal and writing social media accounts
- Having a photo of yourself as your profile pic
- Talking about all your interests, not just those that are reading or writing related
- Blogging about real life things
- Being present on social media rather than sending out automated messages
Can I Even Do That?
First, let me say, I have no problem with most of these suggestions and in fact, think they are pretty good ideas. If I were writing mainstream romance, I’d probably do them without hesitation. However, as a spanking romance author, I’m not sure all of them are reasonable or even safe for me. That led me to another question. Is it possible to be my authentic self when I’m a deeply closted spanko?
I write under multiple pen names. Mostly, I use the one you all know, Ruth. That one is for all my spanking romances. However, next spring on publishing a M/M romantic suspense that doesn’t involve spanking so I chose to publish it under a similar but different pen name. I will promote it here because in my experience most people who will read spanking romance will also read stories that don’t include spanking. The same cannot be said of vanilla folks who want nothing to do with spanking so I thought that was a safer approach. I also have a children’s book under a third name because I in no way wanted people who were looking for children’s books stumbling across my rather unconventional adult stuff.
(credit: flickr-steveandtracy)
Another thing, there is no way in seven heavens OR hells that I am mixing my personal and my writing social media. Y’all, seriously, saying I am deeply closeted is probably an understatement. I can count the number of people on one hand that I know in my daily life who know about my adult writing or my interest in spanking.
I live in a tiny rural farming town in the deep South (and yes I know that’s not what it says on my Facebook, putting where I actually live would be tantamount to outing myself). The town is still mostly segregated as far as where people live. All the churches are segregated. Same-sex couples are still looked at by a lot of people as, at best, an anomaly. The same is true for mixed race people and mixed race couples. The town isn’t quite on the level of the Westboro cult, but it’s not all that far from it either. Much of my family and many of my neighbors would be horrified to discover my books. Coming out would be tantamount to social suicide and incite lethal levels of criticism and judgment.
Some of you undoubtedly think I’m exaggerating out of fear. Unfortunately, I’m not. What’s more, I hold a teaching license in a state where teachers have lost their jobs over posting a picture on social media holding a glass of wine while on vacation. Suffice it there are genuine concerns driving my decision, as there are for many kinky folks. It’s not just a marketing ploy or trying to be cute.
Am I Not Being Authentic?
Since I am unwilling to mix my author persona with my legal identity, does that mean I’m not authentic? I don’t think so. If anything, I think I am more authentic as Ruth that I generally am in my day-to-day life. Online I can be honest about my thoughts and interests and desires without having to worry about what my family or my neighbors have to say about it. I don’t have to worry about the judgment and criticism that would inevitably happen if I chose to take Lamb’s the advice. My online friends don’t know me otherwise and therefore don’t judge me on appearances like many other people in my off-line world do. I can block someone on Facebook if they choose to be nasty and hurtful. I can’t pack up and move away from where I live. With those safeguards, I’m able to be more authentically myself than I can ever be otherwise.
(credit: flickr- lindsay Bremmer)
What do you think? I have a hunch that my experience is a common one for other people in the spanking community. Am I right? What has been your experience?
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Well said. I, too, have read the book and while she has some good points, I found most of her stuff to be not only unrealistic, but two-faced. “Don’t do this… unless you join my group”
I’m in a different conundrum in that I am ‘out’ to my family and friends. And it has affected the way they see and treat me. My mom was more fine with my BDSM adventures when she thought I was a domme. When she found out I was a sub, she had severe issues with it.
But as far as authenticity, nobody is 100% authentic anywhere. We are one person at work, one person to our family, one person to the girls we might hang out with every Friday night, and another person to strangers. Online I feel we can actually be our entire authentic self if we so choose. But again, how real do people want us to be?
I heard that when Twitter started, some users would tweet whenever they went to the bathroom. I’m guessing that’s authentic, but quite honestly? That’s something I really don’t care to hear about.
Yes, I’m a sub. Yes, I’m intelligent. Yes, I like animals. Yes, I’m an activist. Yes, I’m into metaphysics and creating my life my way. And yes, I do crazy things and get my feelings hurt at times. Look at me. I’m human.
One last thought about being ‘authentic’ online. We’ve all heard about people lashing out at someone else online when they get hurt. What happens? They get blocked by a lot of people. They actually end up harming themselves by being true and authentic about something. There are certain things social media will allow us to be real about and others it will walk away super fast.
I say if you’re true to who you are, that’s the best way to go about it.
We all have filters and faces and sides we show socially and privately. It’s human and normal. I guess it comes down to where to draw the line between discretion and hiding, and that’s personal and individual. My mom used to get so irritated when a friend of mine would post on Facebook about potty training her kids. My mom’s opinion was she neither needed or wanted to know. My friend, however, was a stay-at-home mom desperate for interaction and wanted to share her experiences. Different lines and comfort levels but neither necessarily “wrong.”
I think a person needs to do what is right for one’s career. A pen name is akin to a stage name or a business name. I don’t see anything inauthentic about that. I think Kristin Lamb is writing about authorship in general, but one size does not fit all. I doubt very seriously that if she were writing BDSM erotica, or stepbrother romance, or pony play books she would be writing under her legal name.
I think Kristen needs to speak for herself and leave it at that. Yeah, I’m way out. “I live BDSM,I write BDSM” is on my cover photo. I mix all my personal life with my writing life, even if I sometimes use the “friends” privacy setting on Facebook for certain types of posts (like my weekly “Joys & Sorrows” posts). I’ve thought long and hard, talked to my Master about me being out. Given how many things I have to be out about (as I half-joked on Facebook- there are probably more than a dozen margins, non-normative ways I function in the world)
I take risks, huge ones. I’m still trying to get my 17 year old to understand why “jokes about child protective services” are never jokes to me; she’ll be 18 next month so that’ll be one less risk. I live in a deeply conservative area, but not nearly as conservative as where you live. I definitely empathize on “social suicide”- it’s rare that I speak to anyone offline – with the exception of my daughter, Master, and cat. Cashiers sometimes. I drive 40 mins one way when I can afford the gas to go to a Unitarian Universalist church where I feel comfortable; the UU church in my town is way too conservative for me.
But then I don’t think “legal name” necessarily makes someone more authentic. It’s like I was telling my daughter just now- I think we’re still stuck mentally as if the Internet was a new thing. Her boyfriend will be flying across several states to be with her for her birthday next month. They probably met on same gaming site and are now moving toward their 6 month anniversary. Is their relationship not authentic because they met under usernames? Because they’ve been dating so long without physically meeting? I argue they are just as valid as my Master and I, we who have been nesting partners for about 14 years of our about 16 years as a committed relationship.
Internet friendships (or other relationships) can absolutely be very real and authentic. I have some good friends who only know me online that know me better than the people I see every day. The quality of the relationship matters not the mechanism.
First of all, is it that important to be authentic? Second, as long as your writing is authentic, does it matter if your name is Ruth Smith or Robert Jones?
I’m a deeply closeted sub and spanko, married vanilla and have learned that names and places don’t make us who we are.
In addition to privacy concerns, the business reasons you mention for different names are quite valid. And smart.
Good point, Beth. I agree that the writing being authentic is the most important part and frankly, writing spanking romance is different from mainstream romance. It’s not just writing mainstream romance and throwing in a few swats here and there. Subs (and Doms) are wired differently. We think differently, flirt differently, etc. I can’t tell you the number of “experts” I’ve argued with about that, but that’s the authenticity that matters.
There’s a difference between lying and not telling people things that they don’t need to know. I think that being authentic is important to good writing, but that’s an internal authenticity. For me, DD has a decidedly sexual side to it(I know people disagree about this) and I don’t feel compelled to tell people what kind of sex I like.
That’s true. While I fall much more on the nonsexual side of DD, some things just aren’t everybody’s business. Interestingly, I’m far more open about my this sort of thing in my “professional” life than I am in my “personal” life, but given what I write, the reasoning for that is obvious.
I think being as honest as you can within yourself is primary. What other people know is very secondary. There are several factors that can necessitate a person being discreet.
I don’t think being discreet is being dishonest or “fooling” anyone. Its a safety measure for the real world. We have different personas for different areas of our life-work, school, church, family, friends, really close friends. I’m out as a sub and spanko to family and some friends, but not to others.
Having communities that you can openly be yourself is great, but you still have to protect yourself.
This is a fascinating conversation and I’ve read all the posts and comments. Thank you for this thread.
Dizzy
I’m glad you’re enjoying it, Dizzy. Check back on Mondays because I intend to make these discussion posts a regular feature. I completely agree about discretion. Being discreet isn’t being somehow dishonest as long as you are honest within yourself. You’re just choosing to be selective about what you share.
When I was younger I wasn’t out, talking about my Kinky thoughts was too embarrassing. Now that I’m older, almost 73, my book was published almost 1 & 1/2 ago and I took a pen name and then outed my self on FB 5 minutes later. A few who knew me made a few comments some negative and some supportive. Due to my life style I’m home most of the time except for shopping and doctor visits. My 91 year old husband has memory issues so we rarely socialize and most of my socializing is on FB and email. I don’t have a job to lose like some of the much younger authors most who have jobs and write in spare time. I think where you live plays an important part as some of you had said.
Where I live is definitely a factor for me, as I said. If I lived in a larger city or somewhere that was more supportive of anything not “mainstream” I might feel differently, but given the reality of my current situation I think discretion is more important.
The most I’ll say to friends and colleagues is “I write steamy romance like 50 Shades stuff.” That seems to satisfy most of them. I’m not hiding anything, I’m just not going into details. As far as I know, no one has ever investigated or read a book of mine to learn more and that’s fine with me. There is no need for me to supply them with those details. For example I won’t tell them my other pen name or give them my blog URL. The funny thing is, once I tell them what I tell them they don’t want any more information.
I’ve used a similar vague “50 Shades” line before myself. In fact, that’s how I told my sister, and her only response was to ask what my pen name was so that she could avoid buying my books. LOL She reads a lot of steamy romance and wanted to avoid reading “sex scenes written by my sister.”
Hi, I am not a writer, I am however a voracious reader, and a as spanko obviously that is one genre I read a lot of books in. I personally don’t care who you are, just keep writing the books I love to read. It is a lot of rubbish to say you have to be open and tell everyone who you are, most of the books wouldn’t be written. Society today would condemn too quickly. If you want to keep your identity a secret, go ahead, it doesn’t make your books any less worth reading. That said, I have got to know a few spanking romance authors both on the blogs and in real life and surprise …. they are ordinary people with ordinary jobs who have an extraordinary side to them. I wish the world would let us be who we wanted to be but sadly it won’t,
love Jan, xx